I am not afraid.

Every day we live in fear
Fear?
Fear that something good will happen
Fear of change?
You changing?
Fear of dealing with too much change?
Fear that through action or no action
This change will end up being….bad…no change?
and then we’re right back where we started
Living in fear.

Every day we live in fear
Fear?
Fear that something bad will happen
Fear of changes?
Them changing?
Fear of worrying about not enough change?
Fear that someone is not doing enough, not doing anything
They don’t know what to do to make….a change?
Fear that takes us right back to where we started
Living in fear.

Every day we live in fear
Fear?!!
Fear that nothing good or bad will happen
Fear of no change?
Fear of changing what we want to change?
Fear that we can’t change want we know we…..should change?
that there’s not enough time to change what we….can change?
Fear that takes us back to where we started
Fighting the fear
of living in fear.

“I am not afraid” written by Titi Osu, 24 November 2005
(c) TitiOsu All rights reserved

Post script:

I don’t know what was going on in my head when I wrote that. Something clearly! Kinda reminds me of what’s going on “now”. What do you think? Yes? No? Maybe? Shrug?

On a cheery note! In that photo I actually was not feeling any fear. Getting on that surf board, facing the open sea. You would think I would be, seeing as I can’t swim and have had various “omigod I think I’m drowning” scenarios. It never stops me from jumping back into open water activities! With eye sight as bad as mine, I get very disoriented very quickly underwater. I can’t figure out how far down or close to the surface I am, cue panic attack…..

I always end up laughing about it, after the fact of course! I’m not afraid of the big bad ocean but if I come face to face with a spider…..no, my heart, can’t even stomach the thought. Which brings me to story of the day!

Costa Rica, May 2014.

I was travelling with Esteban, fellow HPE ambassador colleague at the time, friend and native Costa Rican. We get to one of the many beaches and I decide I want to do whatever it is I see people doing – I’ve now learnt it is “standup paddleboarding surfing”, I think. Such details don’t bother me. That one! I did have the presence of mind to ask for a life jacket. “Tell them I need one Esteban, I can’t swim”. Esteban rattles off in Spanish, the surfing something owner dude guy goes away and returns with a long sleeve top, smiling with achievement. I’m sorry, it appears you didn’t understand. I repeat my request, stronger this time. Esteban translates, dude responds, Esteban translates – “he says it’s not deep” or maybe it was “you won’t go in too deep”. Either way, any response apart from “ok” was not ok. “CAN YOU PLEASE TELL DUDE THAT I CAN NOT SWIM – AT ALL”!

How much clearer do I need to be? After I drown? I don’t need another ocean incident! Left brain and right brain are both screaming at me at this point. Okay, okay! I’m handling this. I’m a Gemini, conversations with myself are pretty standard. I glare at dude and he goes in a huff and returns, much later, with a real life jacket. Thank you! Now we get down to instructions. Which way did you say I should hold the paddle and what is the sign for “brake”?

Lessons learnt from a previous parasailing incident in Thailand, 2008.

I was flying high, literally. I was in the sky being pulled by a boat. Said boat then stopped and I promptly fell into the sea – obviously! No, it wasn’t obvious to me! Again, I was on a beach and pointed excitedly – “I want to do that”, without thinking of the details behind it. I just remember falling (again “disorientation”), I couldn’t feel or didn’t know I was falling. I just remember thinking…….”is it me or is the sea coming closer to…”, wooosh! I hit the water just as the realisation hit me. I FREAKED THE F*** OUT! I couldn’t remember if I had life jacket on – Titi, isn’t this the number one thing you’d check on account of your NOT KNOWING HOW TO SWIM? Poe-tay-toe/poh-tah-toh. Leave me. Anyhoo, as I desperately flailed about, trying not to drown, I hung on to the parasail canopy thingy for dear life screaming “GET ME OUT OF THIS WATER, I CAN’T SWIM”!!! It didn’t help that everyone in the boat spoke only Thai. Plus I couldn’t see a frigging thing to understand what the arm signalling they were saying back at me was. As the boat got closer, and I calmed down a bit, survival instinct taking over, I got the gist that they needed to get the parasail out first, if not it would entangle me, and that could REALLY drown me. Oh, ok. If you put it like that. I had better not drown if I let go though because I’d be most unhappy. I got pulled out of the water, I think I did have a life jacket on. I can’t remember. It was so much FUN! The end.

Oh, and there was that time in Nigeria, circa 1992 maybe? High jinx with friends at Bar Beach (on the Atlantic Ocean, along the shorelines of Lagos), I was pushed into the water, a wave “wove” over me and took my glasses with it. Oh maaan. I cried. I cried all the hours all the way home. Partly because I knew my dad would be cross – you’ve gone from breaking your glasses to losing your glasses? If there was an experiment to weld glasses to ears, I would’ve been volunteered. Mostly I was crying because, well, I can’t see, hence glasses. No TV, no reading, no going out. More crying.

The only thing I am afraid of is losing my glasses. Ps, the goggles on my head are prescription swimming strength! I’m learning. 

What are you afraid of?

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Smiley face.

And scene. Thanks for catching my efforts in these videos Esteban!

Goodbye April, here’s looking at you May. I’m walking fearlessly into you. Well, walking ish on account of nursing a sprained ankle but you get my drift.

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Toodles

Ttx

Photo creds all mine, thanks to Esteban Obando.

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